Secrets of a Good Marriage

The longer we’re together my wife and I are asked more and more what’s our secret.

We met (my wife and I) at a religious retreat. I couldn’t think of anything else to do. She spilled her drink on me.

She gave me her number. Saying, Call me up some time. I did (call her). We hooked up.

Some people think a good date is where the guy spends money. But we just went for a walk in the forest. She got a tick, and we got chased by a bison.

I helped move her and her kids to another city. When we got there, she hinted she’d say yes, if I asked her. So, I did (ask her). She said, yes. So, I moved her and her kids back again.

The marriage service was performed by a little couple — a pastor and his wife. They thought we were cute. We thought they were cute.

Very sociable. When my wife sees anyone passing the house, she rushes out to chat them up — the neighbours, the postal deliverer, even Jehovah ladies. This, while I’m inside peeking out the window.

My wife’s a fast mover. Like a light she flashes. Sometimes she leaves the room while I’m in the middle of a story, and she’s back before I know she’s gone.

When my wife says, I’m going to take a shower. I ask, Can I watch? She says, Only, if you hear me humming.

My wife tries to teach me to eat smaller portions. She says, You don’t have to eat everything you see.

I tell her to mind her own business. Then, when I complain about having a sore belly, she rolls her eyes to the ceiling.

I’m not very handy. But I keep things in case someday I figure them out — like a AAA battery recharger, a hinge set for something-or-other, and a dishwasher repair guide (Yeah, as if). Once I disassembled a Christmas present from my wife (I thought it was a lighter). Turned out to be a magnifying glass with a flashlight. Broken. To keep the peace my wife avoids gifting me knick-knacks and making fix-it requests.

On shopping trips I get mixed up when cross-examined by the clerk, then I get flustered and cranky. So, my wife fixes things up. Last time we agreed, it might be good if I wait in the car.

I do all the driving in the family. And when my wife runs into Garden Gate looking for ideas she says, Be back in a minute. She’s back in fifty. My wife doesn’t know what’s a minute.

When we go to bed my wife pulls the window wide open, even during winter. She sleeps under one sheet. I’m under three heavy blankets. When I wake in the morning my nose has turned purple.

My wife woke up from a nightmare. She asked, Why didn’t you save me from that phantom? I apologized.

I say we — meaning she and I. My wife also says we — meaning me and him. Grammatically different, yes. Either way, I think we’re okay, as long as we’re both saying we.

People keep asking, What’s the secret of a good marriage? I answer, It’s the humming in the shower.